WITH WHOM DO WE SHARE SECRETS?
One major key in this investigation is the who behind the operation: who do we tell our secrets to? Who do we trust with our deepest and most hidden thoughts? Well, this is different for everyone, and even differs depending on the secret or the situation.
My gut reaction when first asking this question was to assume that we tell our secrets to our closest companions. It’s logical; they already know you. May as well let them in on what they don’t know. On a basic level, after telling someone one of your secrets, just knowing that you and that person know something about each other that no one else does can help you recognize just how special the relationship is and appreciate it more, therefore increasing the bond. Telling someone a secret can be a way of testing the relationship and seeing if it is strengthened or weakened with the sharing. Our motivations for self-disclosing our confidential information includes the desire to be liked. Psychologists Nancy L. Collins and Lynn Carol Miller, for example, found in their studies that there are three main effects of self-disclosure on liking, including that “those who disclose intimate secrets tend to be more liked than those who don’t” (Dean, 2015). Essentially, we tell people our secrets in the hopes that it makes them like us and relate to us more.
A perhaps more obvious way of looking at this is that we tell secrets to those we trust. If the foundations of a relationship already exist, adding to the layers and deepening the bond is often times seen as easier than telling a complete stranger about one’s life. Frequently, it’s believed that romantic couples should have no secrets from each other, because this is the only way to truly know somebody.
"WHO DO YOU TELL YOUR SECRETS TO?"
"It definitely varies by the situation. If it's funny or about boys, I tell my housemates. But if it's more serious, I tell my sister or my parents." -Sophia, 22
"It all depends on who would judge me less. Usually I end up telling everyone, but who I tell first depends on the reaction I'm going to get." -Nicole, 21
Many psychologists, however, disagree with this theory. In an article written for The Guardian, Oliver Burkeman presents the theory of telling strangers our secrets. Burkeman discusses a study conducted by Harvard sociologist Mario Luis Small, who claims that we seek out non-intimates because they're non-intimates. There are benefits to confiding in the blank canvas of someone you don't know well. According to Freud, "A psychoanalyst should be opaque to his patients and, like a mirror, should show them nothing but what is shown to him," (Burkeman, 2015). Upon telling a close friend a secret, they may offer re-assurances or suggestions that are meaningful but may not be helpful.
When you share a secret, or make up a secret to share with a stranger, it gives you both a feeling of instant rapport, as if you knew each other for a long time. An instant feeling of trust, belonging. The beauty of this is that they don't know you, so you can share this part of yourself wholly without risking personal relationships. In short, telling a stranger might get you more of an honest, and therefore a more worthwhile, answer, and it doesn't put your ego at risk.
A happy medium between believing one should always tell a friend or that one should always tell a stranger is Frank Warren, the creator of the online community PostSecret. Warren invited the world to send anonymous postcards to his home address with a secret artfully written on one side. Directly, this is a way of inviting someone to share a secret with a stranger, as most of these people have probably never met Warren, or all of the people who visit his blog. Indirectly, however, promotes the idea that mailing in a secret can be an important stepping stone to telling someone who may be able to help or make a difference:
Fundamentally, Warren believes that secrets are "the currency of intimacy" and that in sharing secrets with the people we love, our relationships can only be strengthened. That said, he believes that it takes time for people to come to terms with their innermost thoughts, so telling anyone at all is an important development in being able to tell those who are important to you.